So I just wrote that I was uncertain of where this journal is headed, but then I was looking at journal prompts on

http://www.sensual-service.com/category/journal-prompts/ and found this question. 

In result I think the journal will find its purpose.

How does illness, depression or stress affect your service? How do you handle it’s effects?

For us depression plays a daily part in our relationship. Being that I have bipolar it makes it very hard for Master to control me at times. I get to where I don’t want to obey, I backtalk, I am just totally unruly. In the beginning it was really stressful and He doubted that I could be a slave 24/7. We have learned how to balance things. We have signals, so that He knows if I’m having issues that cause me not to be able obey or serve as I normally would.

Depression and stress go hand in hand for me. I get lazy when I’m depressed and as I mentioned before I don’t want to obey. I do try really hard and Master reminds me of things that I’m doing.

Stress can actually be a good thing at times. There are times when I am stressed that I have all this extra energy because I’m stressing that I can get a lot done. Being bipolar, I also have manic times where I have a lot of energy and I can also get a lot done. Those times are better for me and Master, in my opinion anyways.

The way we handle the effects is that we talk daily and very openly about what is being done and what isn’t. Having a mental illness, means that we have to communicate more than we would normally, as there are so many different aspects. 

Rich's kari

I started this journal one, so that I could express myself with things that I can't always say directly to Master. Then it turned into a source to communicate with other submissives and slave, as well as learning about their life with their Dominant, Master, Owner, or whatever the person is. 

Why do I keep this journal now? I don't have an answer for that. If I asked Master He might let me not post anymore, because I'm not using it as I was in the beginning. I have stopped having anything to say. Instead of being some place where I can just write whatever, it's become this why don't people reply and comment, so in that aspect the journal has changed.

I've been pondering where I want this journal to go and perhaps talking to Master about doing private posts is what I need to do, although He has the final say. 

When it comes to being sick, I can usually convince myself to just forget about it, but not anymore. I'm back to feel sick every time I eat, so tomorrow I will make an appointment. I really don't want to have a scope done, but maybe that's what will tell me what is wrong. 

More tomorrow.....

First, Happy Mother's Day to all those that are mothers of any sort. I got a camera case from Aggi and I also went out to dinner along with my mother-in-law, it was good food!! I ate all of mine, I was hungry. 

It was a long day, but thank goodness it is done!! My performance went awful in my opinion, but I knew all the places that I messed up, but the audience didn't know. Master actually made it to hear me!! Yay!! Having Him there didn't make me less nervous though. He commented that had I not made faces when I messed up, He would have never known. I'm my worst critic and Aggi said tonight that most people are, she's right. 

Nervous always get the best of me and even tears flowed from my eyes when I was done, because I was upset with myself, but again everyone else loved it. I wonder if they were hearing the same thing I was. LOL

I am going to be taking some sort of flute lessons over the summer, as preparing for this piece has caused me to want to play more and lessons are the best way to do that, so that I get instruction. I talked to Master and told Him that I am willing to use my own allowance to do it and He seemed okay with that. 

I'm feeling kinda crappy tonight, but I think it's just nerves, my body needs to rest, so I might do that soon. 

Rich's kari

Tomorrow I preform at a dedication for a building and while I know a lot of the people that will be there, their are many that I won't know since it's open to the public. I'm anxious, I'm good on the flute, I should be after playing for so long, but people make me nervous. I'm comfortable with the choir members, but not with strangers. I had hoped that I could play really quietly so that no one would notice me and say anything to me afterwards, but I now have a solo, so that won't work. 

Master has to work tomorrow, but I hope that He gets there in time for the dedication at 3pm.

I'm gonna go practice now.

Rich's kari

I'm having really bad cramps, I'm hunched over a lot it hurts so bad. And I'm moody and even crying. What the heck is wrong with me?

Is this what people call pms? Cause I have never had pms before, as I don't get a cycle, but these little pills I'm taking is supposed to cause them. 

Do heating pads help?

When I was down in Vegas, I was taught how to hug properly, as I mentioned that in another entry. I was showing Master how I put my arms around His neck when I hug Him, but that's wrong, I'm supposed to put my arms around His waste, so every time I do that, He corrects me. I can't get my arms to behave. Then when we are walking, I'll link arms with Him, sometimes He'll put His arm through mine, but not anymore, in other words, if any of my body is on top of His, He corrects me. 

Tonight at Aggi's award ceremony, I was holding His hand with mine on top, He went to turn my hand other, I gripped my hand tight so He couldn't flip it over, so what did He do? He dug His finger into my thumb. Ugh! Now at first it felt fine, because it was pain and I'm a pain slut, but when I bragged that I could resist all night, He moved His nail to a different spot and I couldn't fight anymore. 

I'm stubborn, He knows that, so He does things that will cause me to submit. He knew that I was playing, so He doesn't punish me for it. I like that my Master has a kid side to Him, because it lets me be playful with Him, but I know when to be serious.

Last night I was doing my nightly devotion to Him, but I was on the bed, He ran His nails across my back, usually it feels good, but last night it tickled, so He started to lightly tickle me and said that I was being sensitive to tickles. I am the most ticklish person I know, every spot on my body is ticklish and Master knows that. 

I have some things to do before bed, so that's all folks!

I often sit in my chair at the computer and ponder what to write about, I look at journal prompts, but nothing jumps out at me to write about. I have not broken down yet and asked Master for a topic, because He can come up with some tough topics for me to write about. 

I finished my album project and I am so excited, I was becoming sick of it and when it's part of my job as a consultant that's not good. I really love to scrapbook, but I have been doing it so much lately, that I'm just scrapbooked out. 

Because of my lack of topics, I will ask for people who read me to ask me questions and it would be really cool if some people that are just lurkers would ask as well. 

I'm off to find some food, as I'm hungry.

Rich's kari

I am an hour late in posting, but I know that Master will be easy on me as I'm working on a stupid album that has to be in my hands by Saturday. It's on the computer, I just need Him and Aggi to check some things in the morning to make sure that all looks good on it. Aggi stayed up late to help me, poor girl, she was so tired. I am so thankful that she has helped me on this, B helped a little as well. 

It's almost done!